When Egos Collide
by ravenwings52
Summary: In which our two favorite detectives meet again and again in the most unlikely circumstances. (and maybe, just maybe, John has a slight crush on Valkyrie. Don't tell Skulduggery, though.)
1. Chapter 1

1.

"We shouldn't be doing this." Valkyrie whispered, as the two detectives broke into 221B Baker Street.

"He has my skull."

"Yes, but he did buy it. Can't you just ask for it back or something?"

"And you think he'll give it back, just like that?"

"Hey, it was worth a try."

Valkyrie followed Skulduggery up the stairs and into the small flat that the famed Sherlock Holmes and his companion, John Watson, shared.

"Are you sure that they'll be asleep?"

"Aren't most people asleep at this time?"

"I'm not."

"Yes, but you're with me, the wonderful Skulduggery Pleasant. Now shush, and help me find my skull."

Valkyrie rolled her eyes, and crept into what looked like the sitting room. She frowned. Something didn't feel right-

At that moment, there was a shout of triumph (Skulduggery, no doubt) and the sound of two gunshots. Valkyrie ran into the room next door, where Skulduggery was clutching his precious skull and a tall man in a robe was holding a gun.

The tall man spoke.

"Give me my skull back."

"Excuse me? This is mine." Skulduggery tightened his grip on the skull.

Valkyrie just stared.

"How are you not freaking out?"

"We've met before, Mr. Pleasant and I. Of course, he wasn't breaking into my flat at that time. Now, will you give me back my property, or will we have to do this the hard way?"

"This one has higher cheekbones."

Before the two detectives could get into a cat fight over a stupid bone of all things, John Watson stumbled into the room.

"Sherlock? I heard a gun and-" The doctor then realized exactly what Skulduggery was, and backed out of the room.

"You know what? I think that I've had too much to drink and that I should definitely go back to bed."

Valkyrie smiled at him sympathetically.

"It was a shock to me, too."

Valkyrie looked back at where Skulduggery and Sherlock were. Or, more accurately, where they had been. Valkyrie peeked out the window, then grabbed John by the arm.

"Sorry, it seems like we've got some detectives to go after. Come on, we don't want the whole street to get wrecked."

John sighed. So much for a quiet night.


	2. Chapter 2

AU- LSoDM never happened, the remnant left Tanith, etc.

* * *

2.

Valkyrie waved as Skulduggery drove away in his Bentley. She was staying over at Tanith's place in London for the weekend. Valkyrie set her black duffel bag down, and knocked on 221c. Tanith flung the door open.

"Valkyrie! Come on in!"

Valkyrie grinned, and followed Tanith up the stairs to her flat.

"So, what're we gonna do?"

"Let's go grab lunch first. Speedy's Cafe is right next door, and they serve some really nice sandwiches."

Valkyrie nodded, and set her bag down on the sofa.

The two women headed over to the cafe, exchanging stories.

"You wouldn't believe what he gave me for my birthday!"

"Bet it was better than what Skul got me."

"Why? What'd he give you?"

"The idiot got me a bloody skull necklace. A skull necklace! With SPARKLES on it!"

"And yet you're wearing it."

Valkyrie's cheeks turned a shade redder than usual. Before Tanith could interrogate her any further, they entered the cafe. The two friends walked towards a booth in the corner. As they began to sit down, they bumped into two men.

The shorter of the two spilled his tea all over Valkyrie's jacket. He grabbed a bunch of napkins from the table and handed them to her. Valkyrie began to wipe the scalding liquid off of her jacket.

"God, I'm so sorry. Are you alright?"

Valkyrie glanced up from where she was sitting to look at the man she had bumped into.

"Oh, yeah. I'm fine, it's just a bit of tea."

John stared for a second at the lady sitting on the booth near him. She was tall and slim with long black hair. She felt oddly familiar...

"Have I seen you before?"

Valkyrie narrowed her eyes. She had a fleeting memory of Skulduggery and her driving away from a flat and a skull...

"You're the man who was living with that detective guy! Skulduggery and I met you when we were breaking into your flat."

"Oh! Um. Yes. Sherlock, remember that skeleton and his partner? Well, she's right here."

Valkyrie smiled, and stuck her hand out.

Sherlock ignored her hand, and immediately started deducing.

"Approximately 21, don't go to college, and have a secret. You haven't slept much for the last few days, drank a lot of coffee this morning, and are staying over with your friend for the weekend. You have a very close friend, not your boyfriend but are interested in him. You're quite capable of protecting yourself, and do on a daily basis. I'm guessing that you're a detective if some sort."

Valkyrie raised an eyebrow.

"So?"

Sherlock tilted his head in a very similar manner as Skulduggery.

"So? How'd ya do it?"

Sherlock nodded.

"You obviously don't go to college, as finals are approaching and if you were a college student you wouldn't have the luxury of spending time to go out for lunch instead of studying. You have bags under your eyes, and though you're used to staying up late at night, you've been drinking lots of coffee to keep from dozing off. You have a couple of Starbucks napkins in your pocket, and even from here I can smell the slight scent of coffee beans. I saw you with an overnight bag earlier. You spoke of a friend earlier, something to do with a skull necklace. You aren't dating him, as a boyfriend would get his girlfriend something nice, but wear the necklace anyways because you still appreciate it. You blushed when your friend indicated that there may be something going on between you two. Your jacket is obviously made of some type of protective material. I'm guessing that you are accustomed to pain, because some of the scalding tea spilled onto your hand and you're getting a burn but you haven't noticed yet. You hold yourself alert, as if something might happen at any second, so you obviously are put into dangerous situations on a daily basis. As you were accompanying Mr. Pleasant on his last... nighttime excursion, I am assuming that you are his partner. And as Skulduggery is a skeleton, you obviously have a rather large secret."

Valkyrie looked at him with approval for a moment, before her phone rang. She glanced at her touchscreen, then got up from the booth she was sitting at. Her expression quickly became focused and hard.

"Tanith, it's Gordon's. Could you drive me there?"

The blonde woman sighed, and slid off of her seat.

"So much for lunch."

As the two girls turned to leave, John called after them.

"Wait! I don't know your name!"

Valkyrie turned for a split second, and winked cheekily.

"Ask your detective friend over there. I have a feeling that we'll meet again very soon, John Watson."

John could only stare as the tall woman left the small cafe. He turned to Sherlock for an explanation, but all that the consultant detective said was,

"I believe that Ms. Valkyrie Cain is correct."

John furrowed his eyebrows, when Sherlock got a text.

_Gordon Edgley's Mansion._

_There's been a murder._

_Hurry._

_DI Lestrade_

Sherlock grinned broadly, and pulled his unwilling companion out into the grey London weather.

"Come on, something interesting is finally going on!"

* * *

I know, I know. It didn't make sense.

Sorry about Sherlock's OOCness-I can't deduct stuff for the life of me.

Yes, I will try to expand on this chapter.

-ravenwings52


	3. Chapter 3

"Gods! What part of 'I don't know' do you idiots not understand?" Valkyrie yelled at the policeman. She had been trying to see the crime scene for the past half hour, but the police had adamantly refused as they believed that she knew something about the murder. In fact, she was probably at the top of the suspect lists.

They were idiots. Every last one of them.

She let out a growl of frustration and went to go sit on a bench. Skulduggery was investigating the body, as he had filched a detective badge from one of the unsuspecting fools out there. Of course, the bloody skeleton hadn't bothered to help her get in, so she was stuck out here in the cold. She would've just wrestled her way in through brute force, except there were too many policemen and women and that probably wouldn't help her prove her innocence.

She was not having a good day.

She felt somebody sit down next to her.

"Well, you were right. We did meet again."

Valkyrie twisted her body slightly to see who else would be at a crime scene at midnight in the cold. A man, probably in his thirties, with dirty blonde hair and tired brown eyes was leaning back. He was probably an inch taller than her, and seemed fairly tough. John Watson.

"I'm always right, though Skulduggery might have you convinced otherwise."

John let out an amused chuckle.

"Um... About the whole skeleton issue? How is it possible?"

Valkyrie gave a bit of a shrug.

"Magic had something to do with it, hatred helped too, willpower was incorporated in there somewhere, and revenge was the tipping point."

"...Magic?"

A ghost of a smile fluttered on her lips.

"I would tell you, but then I'd have to wipe your memories. So no."

"I already know that your friend, Skulduggery, is a skeleton. Why didn't you wipe my memories then?"

She frowned.

"I'll ask Skulduggery... if the stupid bag if bones would ever come out!"

The woman crossed her arms and glared at the mansion.

John nodded.

"I know how you feel. Sherlock's constantly leaving me behind. I bet you that he's deducing with Mr. Pleasant right now."

Valkyrie smiled at the thought of the two detectives trying to outsmart the other.

"Too much ego for one room."

They sat in silence for a bit, until John broke the peace.

"Er... I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old are you?"

"Oh, I turned 31 a month ago."

John blinked in surprise.

"Really? I thought that you were mid-twenties."

Valkyrie laughed, a contagious and strong sound.

"Magic does wonders for a girl."

"Do you have a boyfriend?" the ex-army doctor asked cautiously.

"No. Fletcher and I broke up years ago."

"Oh. Um, have you had dinner yet?"

"No, not really. Not unless two Hershey's kisses and a banana counts."

John was about to invite her out to dinner when two men walked towards them. One of them was Sherlock. Valkyrie got up and slapped the other.

"Skulduggery Pleasant! You are not leaving me out here ever again!"

John stared.

"Wait... But I thought Skulduggery was a skeleton!" John stated, bewildered. The man looked very much like Sherlock, really, except his eyes were bluer and his hair was straight and for some reason he was smiling.

"He is," Valkyrie said. "Magic is amazing."

"Well, we'd better get going!" Skulduggery said. "Valkyrie and I have to catch the murderer."

Valkyrie gave him a friendly bump on the shoulder before getting up.

Skulduggery shook Sherlock's hand, then John. As he passed by John, he whispered,

"If you hurt her, I will come after you after she breaks every single bone in your body." The detective grinned, and walked away with Valkyrie.

John watched the pair until he couldn't see them anymore.

"Not her. She has too many secrets and obviously has something going on with Mr. Pleasant."

"Shut up, Sherlock."

Meanwhile, Skulduggery was chatting with Valkyrie.

"Not him. You'll end up hiding things from him and he's too old for you."

"He's only a couple years older, Skulduggery. Shut up."

* * *

Meh... Don't know about this chappie.

-ravenwings52


	4. Chapter 4

Valkyrie slumped in her seat in the Tube as the bus began to move. She was on her way to interrogate some murderer who Skulduggery thought might have something to do with the mysterious corpse that had appeared in Gordon's mansion a month ago. She supposed that it made more sense for her to take the Tube, but it didn't change the fact that it was slow. And there were so many people, too! They were probably all idiots.

"Um, mind if I sit here?"

Valkyrie peered up. A man with a British accent (were there any other accents in London? Valkyrie was getting sick and tired of all the polite fuss that seemed to be prominent in London vocabulary.) was standing near her seat.

"John! Sure, have a seat."

Valkyrie scooted in, allowing her acquaintance to plop down next to her.

"So, what brings you back to London? I haven't really seen you since the murder at your mansion."

"Well, Skulduggery wants me to interrogate a guy that might know something about that case."

"Mm. Sherlock wants me to go do research on magic. He's gotten a bit obsessed since we last saw you."

Valkyrie raised an eyebrow.

"I wonder how much he'll find out before the Sanctuary catches wind if this."

"I personally think it's hopeless, but... You know how he is."

"Actually, I don't know that much about him. Maybe we can all have dinner together sometime."

John gave her a lopsided grin.

"That would be nice."

"I don't know whether Skulduggery would appreciate Sherlock as much as you and I might, though. There might be too much ego in one room if they meet up."

"Sherlock is the most stuck up bastard I've ever met."

"I bet you Skulduggery's ego is bigger."

"I don't know about that..."

The bus stopped.

"This seems to be my stop. Well, I guess I'll see you around."

Valkyrie got up and straightened her jacket. She stood at the door, and looked back for a second.

"Oh, um, isn't there a really good library here?" John hastily slid out of his seat.

Valkyrie grinned at him, and hopped out into the terminal. John caught up to her. She nudged him with her shoulder.

"Are you sure that the library's the only thing you're coming for?"

He walked a bit faster.

"There's a really nice restaurant too!"

"Well, I don't have much to do after I finish interrogating the murderer in an hour..."

As the two split up, promising to meet up in two hours, John felt a huge smile spread across his face. He knew he probably looked like an idiot, but he honestly didn't care. He was going to meet up with Valkyrie, and there was a possibility of a dinner date in the near future.

With Sherlock and Skulduggery.

John's smile faltered, and he sighed.

Even when he was on the other side of London, Sherlock messed up any of his potential relationships.

* * *

I just realized that this isn't so much of a series of drabbles than a series if consecutive chapters...

Whatever.

-ravenwings52


	5. Chapter 5

"No. I'm not going."

Skulduggery crossed his arms and glared at the young adult standing in front of him. Said adult was attempting to persuade him to go out for dinner with John Watson and Sherlock Holmes.

"Skulduggery! Come on! They invited us!"

Valkyrie tugged on his sleeve.

"You mean Joe Wilson did."

Skulduggery definitely didn't approve of Valkyrie's newest interest. He was too old for her! Sure, Valkyrie was the same age, but she looked and acted about ten years younger.

"His name's John Watson, not Joe."

Valkyrie's lips curled up into an amused smile. Her lips seemed redder than usual- was she wearing lipstick?

"If you want to go out to dinner so badly, then why don't you just go by yourself?"

Valkyrie's eyes narrowed. Skulduggery honestly hoped that it wasn't mascara making her eyes look bigger.

"Because you're my partner and my best friend and Sherlock will be there-"

The first time Skulduggery met the consulting detective, they had gotten into a bar fight. Both had been kicked out, and Skulduggery's secret had been revealed. Thankfully, Valkyrie had been visiting her parents at that time, and Skulduggery didn't have to explain. The second time, Skulduggery had broken into his flat. The third was at a crime scene during which both had been banned from the actual scene itself, as both had gotten into a long debate about whether the murderer was in Africa or Ireland. Skulduggery tried to put Sherlock's view of him and vice versa politely.

"Sherlock hates me and wants to murder me. Again."

"-and John says that Sherlock's getting into magic-"

Skulduggery sighed. She really was intent on making him go, wasn't she?

"Fine, I'll come."

She enveloped him in a bone-crushing hug. He awkwardly hugged her back.

"Though, I don't know why you insist on me coming when you obviously just want to eat with Josh Willard."

Valkyrie pushed him away and slugged him in the arm.

"Skulduggery! You know that his name is John!" As an afterthought, she added,

"Besides, I don't have time to deal with jealous skeletons."

"If you tease me I won't come."

"Yes, you will."

"...Yes, I would."

* * *

"Sherlock," John started.

"No."

John looked at him, bewildered.

"I haven't even asked you anything yet!"

"I'm assuming that you want me to go out to eat with that idiotic, infuriating skeleton detective and his partner, Valkyrie Cain, whom you seem to be quite infatuated with."

"How did you-"

"How did I know? It was simple. I am, after all, a genius. I saw your note scrawled on the counter for nice restaurants in the area, I checked your texts when I borrowed your phone, and your stupid grin that's been plastered onto your face for days."

John massaged his temples.

"Please? You might find out more about these 'Wizards' or whatever it is."

"Sorcerers and mages. Do your research."

Sherlock got up from the couch and grabbed his coat from the hat stand.

"Well? Aren't you coming?"

John sighed, and a ghost of a smile flicked across his face. The blogger got up and followed Sherlock out the door. The stupid, annoying, stuck-up bastard.

...But then again, he was his friend. John wondered what that said about him, and then decided that he didn't want to know.

Some things were better left unsaid.

* * *

They met in some small but classy restaurant near the Scotland Yard. Sherlock honestly didn't care; he was more interested in avoiding the skeleton.

As soon as he saw Skulduggery and Valkyrie approaching their table, Sherlock turned away ever so slightly and flipped his collar up. The restaurant was far too bright and noisy for his taste; he preferred more casual, empty places for a meal.

"Sherlock!" John hissed.

"What," he snapped back irritably. It was stuffy, too. He wanted a cigarette.

"Try to be a bit sociable please, would you? I don't want you to scare them off like all the rest."

"You mean you don't want me to scare her off."

Before John could lecture him on social graces and staying out of his love life again, John's new potential girlfriend sat down next to him. Sherlock frowned for a second. She was wearing lipstick, blush, and mascara, her hair was straightened, and her blouse was obviously new. She definitely wanted to make a good impression on somebody, most likely John. So why was she sitting next to him?

His question was answered a second later, when the other detective unwillingly settled into the chair across the table from him. Skulduggery had a face again, but this time he had brown hair and honey-colored eyes. Probably another magic thing. Sherlock made a mental note to ask about that later. But back to the seating arrangements. Apparently, Valkyrie was intelligent enough to realize that they didn't get along and therefore was willing to sit next to him instead of John to keep the detectives separated.

"So, you're the 'self-proclaimed-genius-who's-also-a-detective-so-get-outta-my-way-cuz-I'm-amazing-and-need-to-get-to-the-bloody-crime-scene-and-I-insult-the-authorities-cuz-I-can' guy?"

Sherlock gave her a sideways look. She was suppressing a laugh and was grinning cheekily.

"What gave you that idea?"

"Skulduggery here is exactly the same way."

With that, John and Valkyrie started sniggering as the butt of her joke just stuck his bottom lip out, miffed. Sherlock resisted the temptation to roll his eyes. So childish.

Maybe Valkyrie was better than some of John's old girlfriends.

But she was still irritating.

* * *

Valkyrie let out a quiet sigh of relief. They were halfway through dinner, and so far nothing major had happened yet. Sure, Sherlock had had a slight bit too much to drink and Skulduggery had gotten into a minor spat with Sherlock over whether Napoleon or Hitler was the greater man, but they hadn't been kicked out of the restaurant yet.

...God, she felt like she was babysitting two overgrown preschoolers.

She felt a knee nudging hers underneath the table, and she looked up to see John giving her a tired smile. She smiled back.

That was when everything went wrong.

"...I'm funny!" she heard Skulduggery insist. Against her better judgement, Valkyrie instinctively replied as she normally would.

"No you aren't, Skul. Offering me your literal arm and asking if I needed a hand is the opposite of funny. If anything, you should stay away from witty banter entirely."

Of course, in a normal situation, Skulduggery would've said something about her not understanding his refined humor and that would be that. But Sherlock just had to throw his two cents in.

"Yes, please do everybody a favor and shut up. You're lowering everybody's IQ."

"Sherlock, nobody wants to hear you talk either. Tobacco ash isn't a normal conversation starter at dinner." John stated wearily.

Valkyrie gaped at him.

"He seriously talks about stuff like that?"

"That's not even the worst of it. One time, he made me-"

But Valkyrie didn't get to hear the end of John's sentence. There was a large crash as their table was thrown across the room and into the wall. Skulduggery and Sherlock were fighting with each other in the middle of the chaos as people tried to drag them apart.

"STOP IT, YOU TWO!" Valkyrie screamed. She saw John out of the corner of her eye, handing a check to the restaurant's manager; probably paying for the damage caused.

The two men sprung apart, knowing that she meant business. Skulduggery's suit was ruined, his facade had a couple of bruises, and he looked the guiltiest Valkyrie had ever seen him. Sherlock, on the other hand, looked only slightly nervous. He had a cut on his forehead and wine in his hair; a wineglass had probably hit his head. His coat looked pretty bad, too.

"Look, I don't know why both of you are acting like bastards right now, but I want you to apologize to each other. Right now."

Skulduggery looked like he was about to protest, but Valkyrie glared at him and he complied. They murmured unintelligible words to each other. Valkyrie had a feeling that they weren't apologizing, but it was still something.

"Now, hug." This time, Skulduggery did protest, but she stepped forward and slapped him before shoving him into the general direction of Sherlock. They skidded into a booth. Valkyrie grabbed both of them, then dragged them outside where John was waiting for them.

* * *

"Sorry about that," he said, as they walked down the street. Skulduggery and Sherlock were sulking a little ways behind them.

"Oh, it's fine. But next time, just you and me. No bloody detectives, all right?"

John grinned.

"Sounds good to me."

Valkyrie pecked him on the cheek.

"Well, I'd better get Skulduggery home. Bye!"

She walked away with Skulduggery, laughing at something he said. John watched her in the moonlight for a bit, before lightly pressing his fingertips to his cheek.

"Come on, Sherlock. We'd better get home as well."

Throughout the whole taxi ride to 221B Baker Street, John looked out the window.

Next time, she had said.

His body might've been in the small cab, but his thoughts were miles away.


	6. Chapter 6

"Skulduggery... What're you doing?"

Skulduggery slammed his laptop shut and snatched a random folder on the couch next to him. Valkyrie was standing in the doorway, a bemused look on her face. She had stayed over at his house last night, so she was wearing a tank top and red plaid pajama bottoms with a cup of coffee in her hand.

"Oh... I was just looking at some cases."

Valkyrie raised an eyebrow. Skulduggery cursed silently. He knew that he shouldn't have used the computer! He never did, and now Valkyrie would be getting suspicious. Valkyrie set her mug down on the coffee table, and plopped down onto the sofa next to him. She plucked the papers from his hand, and quickly skimmed its contents.

"Serial killer... Teenagers... Female adept... Skulduggery, this is a case from two years ago."

Skulduggery tried to think up one of the on-the-spot lies he was famous for, but his mind was blank. It didn't help that Valkyrie was leaning on his shoulder slightly, and that her hair had a slight coffee scent.

"I was... Doing some light morning reading, that's all!"

"You were reading about eight teenagers being brutally murdered by a female adept with a butcher knife at six in the morning. For fun."

"Yup."

Valkyrie looked at him skeptically, and got up. Papers fluttered onto the floor, adding to the piles of paperwork next to the coffee table. She picked her coffee up and took a sip.

"Well, I'm going to go make some toast..."

She walked into the kitchen. Skulduggery heard the sound of plates clinking, and let himself relax. He opened up his laptop again, and continued his work.

Suddenly, Valkyrie grabbed the laptop from him and ran upstairs. Skulduggery got up quickly, and chased after her.

"Valkyrie, give that back!"

"Then tell me what you were doing, using a laptop of all things, at six o' clock in the morning!"

"No!"

Valkyrie dashed into her room and locked the door. Skulduggery banged on her door desperately.

"Valkyrie, please give my laptop back! I have important things on there!"

Valkyrie's voice was muffled by the door, but the venom in her voice was still evident.

"Important enough that you won't tell me?"

Skulduggery groaned, and leaned against the door. Inside, Valkyrie was shouting at him.

"John Watson? Were you running a background check on him? Skulduggery! John isn't a murderer or anything! I can take care of myself, and I don't need you to look up every guy I interact with to see if they have a criminal record! Just stay out of my love life!"

At the last bit, Valkyrie yanked the door open, and Skulduggery fell into her room. Valkyrie was waving his laptop around. Skulduggery winced. The screen showed a picture of John and his background. There was information about practically every aspect of his life, including every girl he had ever dated and his diet.

"ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO ME?!"

Skulduggery dealt his final card.

"Sorry?"

It didn't work.

* * *

John woke up sleepily as the morning light hot him full force. He had an awful crick in his neck, and his whole body groaned as he got up. He must've fallen asleep in his chair. Again.

Sherlock was fiddling with his computer at the table, fingers flying across the keys.

John stomped over to him.

"Sherlock! I thought that we had an agreement about personal belongings!"

Sherlock looked up, clicking the mouse one last time.

"Hmm? I must've deleted it."

John just glared at him and snatched his laptop back.

"They Walk Among Us: The Sorcerers in our Midst. Really, Sherlock? Next thing you know, you'll be trying to track down the Doctor. Just accept the fact that they're magical and get on with life."

Sherlock scowled.

"But this is the first interesting case I've had in months!"

"Valkyrie and Skulduggery are not a puzzle to be solved."

Sherlock stood up, and walked to the couch. He tripped on a pile of books, the crash loud enough to mask the small beep of the phone as Sherlock sent a text. Sherlock slid John's phone underneath the couch, making sure to mask his smile before getting up. He walked out the door, grabbing his cost as he left.

"I'm going to... The place for the thing!"

John sighed.

"All right. I'm going to be at work for the rest of the day, so don't call me unless it's extremely importa- Sherlock? Sherlock!"

John's phone rang. The blogger listened carefully before reaching under the couch to retrieve his phone.

_Gone to Cross Cafe. Will be out late._

_-SH_

John resisted the urge to confiscate Sherlock's nicotine patches for a week. That man really would be the death of him.

* * *

Valkyrie's phone beeped. Skulduggery peered over her shoulder from where he was sitting on the sofa.

_Hey, Valkyrie!_

_Meet me at the Cross Cafe in an hour._

_-JW_

Valkyrie dashed into her room, and came out wearing lip gloss.

The skeleton looked up.

"I presume you are going on a date?"

"Hmm? Yeah."

She grabbed her keys off of the nightstand.

"You might not want to leave just yet..."

"Are you saying that I don't look nice?" Valkyrie demanded.

"No, no! I wouldn't dream of it, especially after this morning. You look lovely, but I'm not sure that you want Joe see you in your pajamas just yet." Skulduggery got up quickly to avoid another outburst from Valkyrie after he intentionally forgot John Watson's name. Again. Fortunately for him, Valkyrie was too distracted grabbing a black button down shirt and her boots to pay attention to his small mistake.

Valkyrie left once again, this time properly dressed with her hair up in a ponytail.

"I'll be back soon!"

The door shut behind her, and Skulduggery decided that it would be better if he didn't tell her that she was wearing her pajama bottoms still. She would find out soon enough.

True to his predictions, exactly two minutes and forty-five seconds later, Valkyrie came clattering in. She stopped just long enough to slip into a pair of jeans, then stole his favorite hat 'because you didn't tell me I was still in my jammies'. Then she ran out the door one last time and the house was quiet.

Skulduggery sat down in the house. Finally, he could have some alone time. Now it was just him and- Oh. He was by himself now. No worries. He had gotten along just fine without Valkyrie for the last few centuries or so; he would continue to be fine. Besides, it wasn't as if she wouldn't be back soon.

But something else was bothering him. In the very back of his mind, something was screaming and shouting and telling him to get up and follow her even though she would get mad.

Skulduggery pushed the voice away.

He was not jealous.

* * *

So... Skulduggery's jealous, Sherlock's up to something, and Valkyrie... Well, Valkyrie's blissfully unaware of the lovely tangled mess I'm about to stick her into.

Until next time!

-ravenwings52


	7. Chapter 7

Sherlock waited impatiently in the small cafe, cup of black coffee at hand. John's new girlfriend was late. Two minutes and thirty-eight seconds, to be completely accurate. He had already deduced that the woman at the next table over was having an affair at the man at the register, and he was getting bored. That was never a good thing.

Finally, Valkyrie Cain rushed through the door. She looked around the cafe for a second, probably wondering where John was. Sherlock sighed. How dull could the girl be? He slipped his hand into his pocket and texted her.

_I'm right here._

_-JW_

The amateur detective turned around, eyes narrowing as she finally noticed him. Sherlock leaned back casually, and waited for her to approach him. Surely even she would understand what was going on.

Unfortunately, he didn't quite remember to factor in the human emotions or just how much she would understand. If John was here, he would most likely shake his head slightly.

Valkyrie slammed her bag on the small table and began to yell at him, her voice getting steadily louder. Her nose was almost touching his, and her brown eyes were almost black.

"What are you doing, using John's phone to get me to meet you here?! I'm not going to tell you about the magical world. God, mind your own business, would you?"

Sherlock quickly regained his composure, and pointedly remarked that he wasn't interested in either of those things and was actually inquiring about her interactions with John. This didn't seem to help, and Valkyrie went into a full rant about how it didn't apply to him so could he go die in a pit please?

Sherlock had three choices. He could A) call John and pray that he could be rescued from his predicament. This was a definite no, as Miss Cain would retain her grudge and John would get mad at him as well, not to mention the fact that his reputation would be ruined. B) he could ride it out. This was a bad idea as well, as Valkyrie appeared to be... Violently inclined, and he had every intention of making it out of the small cafe alive. Finally, he could C) throw her off with a startling remark. Of all three, the latter seemed to be the best course of action.

"Have you thought about this?"

Valkyrie paused for a second.

"Excuse me?"

"Sorcerers live about ten times longer than the average human. Currently, you're the same age as John, but what'll happen in five years? A decade? You'll still look around twenty when John is six feet under."

The female detective snatched her bag up rather abruptly. Her face was slightly flushed, and she looked like she was ready to unleash the wrath of hell upon him. She took a deep breath, turned around, and briskly walked out the front door.

Sherlock watched her leave, quickly adopting an air of relaxation and a certain level of confidence. Of course, he could tell that she was deeply upset. Her hand trembled slightly as she pushed the door open, and she almost walked into somebody outside. He frowned. He hadn't expected her to react that strongly. Perhaps he had miscalculated emotions agin?

He sighed. This was something more in John's field of expertise; human nature just confounded him. He just hoped that he hadn't messed up anything too much; he still needed to find out about sorcerers and he couldn't do that if the skeleton came after him. Again, Sherlock couldn't quite understand why Skulduggery would be so protective of his partner. He really needed to refine his knowledge on psychology.

* * *

Valkyrie shoved the door to Skulduggery's house open with a bang. Skulduggery looked at the clock. It was only 11:00; he had expected her to be back by one at the earliest considering the fact that she would probably hang around with John for at least two hours before returning. Secretly, he was relieved that she wasn't with Watson at the moment (he didn't dwell on what that implied), but judging by the expression on her face she was going to be moody for the rest of the day or longer.

Skulduggery shuddered. The last time that Valkyrie had broken up with a guy... Well, let's just say that it hadn't been very pretty. He sighed, and got up from the couch where he had been sitting since Valkyrie left (again, he didn't think about what that meant). He should probably go find out what was going on before he made an off-handed comment that would focus all of Valkyrie's anger towards him.

"Valkyrie?"

Silence.

Skulduggery climbed up the stairs and knocked on her door.

"Valkyrie!"

More silence. Skulduggery could hear her sniffling quietly.

"Is something wrong?"

He heard a crash.

Skulduggery flung the door open, and ducked as Valkyrie hurled a book right where his head had been. She was sitting on her bed, getting ready to throw another book at him.

"I'm... Fine!" she shouted through gritted teeth.

Skulduggery knew he was going to regret this. He walked into her room and shut the door behind him.

"And I'm the worst detective in the world."

Valkyrie just shoved a pillow at him. Skulduggery caught it, and tossed it back to her.

"I don't think that the pillow did anything unforgivable."

He sat down next to her.

"What did he do?"

Valkyrie punched him in the ribcage. Skulduggery winced as he heard a slight crack. He didn't think that it would be this bad. Valkyrie hit him again, speaking between punches.

"It isn't what he did! It's me! I've been so stupid, going around with a mortal! So... Damned... Stupid!"

At these last words, Valkyrie started crying. Skulduggery gazed at the dark-haired girl, worried. He had never seen her blame herself before. Many times she had threatened to beat the hell out of an ex-boyfriend (and made good on her word), but she had never started to _cry_. He awkwardly put an arm around her shoulder (definitely not noticing how tall she had gotten- she was up to his chin now) and tried to comfort her. Keyword: tried.

"Valkyrie? Um... What's this all about?"

She looked up at him, eyes rimmed red from crying.

"Idiot! He's a mortal! I'm a sorcerer! He'll get old! I won't!"

Skulduggery was taken aback.

"You like this guy that much?"

Wring words to say.

Immediately, he found himself out of her room on the floor, door slammed in his face. He could hear her yelling inside.

"Maybe I do! Or maybe I just don't want him to get hurt, don't want to tell him no! Maybe I don't want him to end up like Fletcher, never moving on! And maybe you can go away!"

Skulduggery sat, staring at the door. He needed to find out what was going on. And there was only one way to unravel this truth.

It was time to visit 221B.

* * *

Valkyrie got a bit OOC here...

Who should Valkyrie end up with?

John, Sherlock, or Skulduggery?

Please comment!

-ravenwings52


	8. Chapter 8

Valkyrie woke up in the middle of the night, the awful aftertaste of sleep lingering in her mouth. She was lying on her bed, still completely dressed. Valkyrie sat up and ran her fingers through her hair. What had happened? Oh yeah. Her little emotional breakdown. She groaned, and flopped back onto the soft mattress. That had been totally out of character, even for her.

But Sherlock did have a point. It wasn't fair to John. She obviously had to break it off with him. He was a great guy and all, but in the end it would be better this way. With that decided, Valkyrie hopped out of bed. She was starving.

* * *

John heaved a sigh as he sank into his chair. It had been a long day at work, and he was tired. Suddenly, his phone rang. The caller ID was unknown.

"Hello, this is Skulduggery Pleasant, partner of Valkyrie Cain, and I would very much appreciate it if you would stay away from any romantic contact with her."

John groaned. He didn't need this just now.

"Is this the skeleton detective?"

"Yes."

He got up, the phone held between his shoulder and his cheek, and walked to the kitchen.

"Why're you calling me?"

He grabbed the kettle and poured the contents into the sink before rinsing it. He didn't want to risk the chance of any of Sherlock's experiments getting into his tea.

"Well, ever since you came along, Valkyrie's been all..." Skulduggery's voice faltered for a second, "emotional."

John gave a little disbelieving laugh as he waited for the water to boil.

"What, so you're blaming me for going on dates with Valkyrie?"

"No! Well, yes, but..."

He poured the water into a mug and plopped a tea bag in. His phone rang.

"Um, could you wait a sec, Valkyrie's calling me."

He heard the skeleton splutter for a second, before the phone line switched to Valkyrie.

"Hi John... Just wondering whether you would like to meet up at the theater tomorrow. A friend of mine wants to meet you."

John swallowed.

"Um, yeah. Sure. That'll be just fine..."

"All right. Sorry, I have to go now. See ya at three?"

"Okay..."

There was a beep, and the call ended.

John sighed, and picked up his tea. He was just about to take a sip, when there was a knock on the window. He got up. Skulduggery was right outside the window, gesturing for John to let him in.

John set his tea down, and shuffled over. He unlatched the window, and slid it open.

"What're you doing here?"

The skeleton leapt in and brushed his coat down.

"Well, I had the feeling that you would ignore me, so I decided to make a house call."

"You came in through the window."

"It's too predictable. Where's Sherlock?"

John picked up his tea again.

"On a case. Now, could you leave? It's late, and I'm tired, and I want my tea."

Skulduggery sat down.

"Look. You're a mortal, she's a sorcerer. She's going to outlive you by several centuries, and being in a relationship with you will only hurt her."

John gripped the handle of his mug tightly.

"I don't need you to tell me whether our relationship is good or not. You're not the one she's dating, and you can stay the hell out of this. Now, here's the door. I don't want to hear any more of this pointless advice anymore. God, you're as bad as Sherlock!"

The skeleton silently left the small flat; and John finally sunk into his chair, mug in hand. He moved to take a sip, but it was cold. He sighed, and dumped the contents of the cup into the sink. He wasn't in the mood for tea anymore.

* * *

Skulduggery found Sherlock sitting on a bench outside. His eyes were closed, and his head was tilted back.

"So. You've finally arrived. I was wondering how long it would take you to get here."

Skulduggery stood right in front of him.

"What did you say to Valkyrie?"

Sherlock lazily opened an eye.

"Oh, nothing too earth-shattering. Virtually the same thing as what you just told John, really."

"She cried! Cried!"

"It's none of my business, whether she gave into her emotions like that or not."

The skeleton began to shout.

"Well, it's a part of my damned business! She's my partner, and I can't have her crying over a boy!"

"Are you sure you're doing this for her? Or is it because you're jealous?"

Skulduggery stopped his ranting.

"What makes you think that?"

"I don't pretend to know humans, but I know what jealousy looks like. It's obvious, in the way you speak and act when it comes to matters concerning her. You like her, don't you?"

* * *

These characters are getting mire and more OOC by the chapter...

I need ideas, people! Who should she end up with?

Well, that's it for now...

-ravenwings52


	9. Chapter 9

Lyrics are from Pierrot, the English cover by Ashe. You can find it on youtube.

* * *

Valkyrie was standing outside of the theater alone when John showed up. She was fidgeting a little with the hem of her tank top, and she was getting lip gloss on her teeth by biting her bottom lip. She noticed him when he was a couple feet away, and waved instead of walking towards him like usual.

As soon as John reached her, he realized that something was wrong. He was a doctor, and he could tell when there was something a patient wasn't telling him. But he remembered what Skulduggery had told him last night, and he gritted his teeth and didn't question Valkyrie.

Instead, he held out his arm, and Valkyrie rolled her eyes but still took it. On their way in, he asked her a different question than what he wanted to.

"So, where's that friend of yours?"

Valkyrie looked genuinely disappointed.

"Oh, Tanith forgot to tell me about a date she had with Ghastly. Apparently, they went to the shooting range or something. Though, she said that she wanted to go to watch a wrestling match..."

John smiled, but on the inside he was worried. Valkyrie never rambled on like this, either. He paid for their tickets at the front, then they took their seats in the very back of the theater.

Throughout the whole movie, John closely observed Valkyrie. She didn't pay any attention to the car chases and explosions flashing by on-screen; instead, she fidgeted with her skull earrings.

As soon as the movie ended, Valkyrie dragged him outside. The sun felt unbearably hot, and John fidgeted with his sweater.

_No_, his sub conscience reminded him. _You're just nervous because you know what she's going to say_.

"Shut up," he told the voice out loud.

"Excuse me?" Valkyrie was normal for a second, then she reverted back to a nervous wreck.

"Oh, um... Sorry, I am so sorry. I wasn't talking to you; I was telling myself..." John trailed off. "You know what? Never mind."

Valkyrie gave a forced laugh, then furrowed her eyebrows. She let go of his arm, and started picking at a loose thread on her skirt.

"John... I'm not so sure about... Us."

John felt awful.

"Val, I..."

She turned away, unable to look him in the eye. A teardrop slipped into her hair.

"I'm sorry, I really am. I... I should've known better than try to get into another relationship. I'm a sorcerer, and you... You're..."

"Not. Yeah, I know." John said flatly. "It's fine."

Valkyrie wiped away a tear and faced him. He could see her struggling slightly to put on a smile again.

"Bye, John. See you again?"

"Yeah. See you."

As he watched her walk away, he knew that this was the last time.

* * *

Valkyrie sighed. She scrolled through her song list, before deciding to just shuffle all. She leaned against her pillow and closed her eyes.

_It's okay, It's alright  
To play the fool has always been my plight  
In this tiny circus show, I'm the nameless pierrot _

She frowned, and fumbled for the skip button. She wasn't in the mood for that sort of song.

_As I try to balance in the center_  
_Of a ball as round and shiny as the moon_  
_It's my job to trip and fall for laughter_  
_But I always get back up and smile like a buffoon_

She paused when she heard the last line. She smiled a bittersweet smile, and let her hand fall to her side.

* * *

_But then I saw you crying there out in the audience  
Put on a happy face, you look much better when you smile  
Your mom and your dad don't seem to notice  
The tears streaming down your cheek but I did  
Don't worry, cause I will wipe them away_

Skulduggery stood right outside her door. He heard the muffled song, and even though he couldn't hear her crying he knew that she was feeling down.

_It's__ okay, It's alright!  
It doesn't hurt, I do it all the time  
You should laugh, I want you to  
This is what I do _

He slowly opened her door and stepped inside. Valkyrie didn't move.

_It's alright, it's okay  
I balance on a ball and fall away  
In this tiny circus show, I'm the clumsy pierrot  
_

He softly began to sing along with the next verse.

_You continued weeping and remarked:  
"I know you're lying and it really makes me sad "  
"I promise that I never told a single lie"  
I said, but you only started crying once again_

Valkyrie opened her eyes and paused the music.

"I'm fine, Skulduggery," she snapped.

Skulduggery ignored her, and continued.

_"Show me what you're hiding there, beneath the painted mask._  
_The face that you never show the audience, that's all I ask_  
_The pain that you feel when you are beaten_  
_And tears that you cry when no one's looking_  
_Don't be ashamed, because we all feel the same _

Valkyrie sighed again, then reluctantly joined him. Her voice was soft but strong, and Skulduggery made sure not to cover her huskier voice with his smoother song.

_It's okay, it's alright_  
_Don't worry, you don't have to fake a smile _  
_I just want you to be true_  
_Just be true to you _

Skulduggery sat down next to Valkyrie and placed an arm on her shoulder. She leaned to his embrace.

"I'm fine, really," she mumbled.

_It's alright, it's okay _  
_It doesn't matter what they have to say_  
_You won't face it all alone, I will cry with you" _

Valkyrie sniffled.

_It's okay, it's alright_  
_You helped me find what disappeared inside_  
_It's the face I lost to time, the one that's truly mine_

Skulduggery turned so that he was facing her. He leaned in close, and whispered the last few lines into her ear.

_"It's alright, it's okay"_  
_It's like a spell, the lie can finally fade_  
_And the lying pierrot that I was has gone away_

And just like that, the tears came.

Skulduggery patted her back awkwardly, and listened to everything she said. Because Sherlock had been right for once. The skeleton was very much in love with his partner.

* * *

Sherlock initiated a conversation after dinner. He made sure that John was sitting in his armchair, before calculating the proper things to say in order to return the ex-army doctor's emotional state to normal.

"So. You've broken up with the sorcerer girl."

"And what gave that away? The state of my sweater? The prominent frown marks?"

So. John was being sarcastic now. That was plausible, as some of the habits that he had picked up from Cain may be making themselves apparent after the emotional loss he was currently undergoing. Sherlock coughed. He wasn't used to this whole comfort thing.

"I'm... I apologize for the recent loss of one of many in a long string of girlfriends. You will undoubtedly get over her and bring a female back to the flat within the next two months, but as your emotional state is quite unstable at the moment I shall bring that up after the new girlfriend arrives."

Sherlock decided that that wasn't the best thing to say, as John retired to his room immediately after the detective's brief monologue. Sherlock frowned. Human emotions were too complicated. Perhaps he should look into the subject a bit more after he unraveled the enigma known as the Doctor...?

* * *

Sorry for the slow update! I made it a little longer than I intended to make up for it. Abd thank you so much for all the support!

-ravenwings52


	10. Chapter 10

Time passes, and eventually we forget. Valkyrie bumped into John now and then, but they never exchanged more than a couple words and new phone numbers that would be forgotten. They weren't on bad terms with each other, per se, but neither adult was willing to initiate contact with the other. Years went by, and the next time Valkyrie saw John was at his wedding. Mary was a lovely woman, and Valkyrie was sure that they'd be happy together. She left the reception early, though; when Skulduggery asked, she complained that her heels hurt her feet and her dress was way too impractical for anything. Skulduggery just smirked annoyingly with his facade on as they drove back.

Valkyrie eventually ended up moving in with Skulduggery. She already spent most of her time there, and driving back and forth from the mansion to Skulduggery's house was annoying. Instead, she gave Gordon's house to Alice. (The murderer was never found; Valkyrie chose not to think too much about it when sitting on the floor.) She denied any claims that they were dating when people queried about their living arrangements. They were partners, not dating. (But sometimes, when Skulduggery made it sound like they were married instead, she just smiled and slipped her necromancy ring onto her left ring finger.)

In the end, she supposed that everything turned out all right.

(Though, she was seriously hoping that Skulduggery wasn't actually going to take up Sherlock's offer to find the Doctor. From the sound of it, this Doctor guy was full of it, and she wasn't sure that she could handle all that ego in one room.)

* * *

After Valkyrie, John went through two years of hell. Two years of thinking that his best friend was dead.

Of course, Sherlock came back and everything became normal again, but still. You don't just fake your death so casually without telling your BEST FRIEND.

John hadn't quite gotten over that, yet.

Most of that was forgotten after he got married, though. It was true. Marriage did mellow people. He found himself seeing Sherlock less and less, and though they still kept in contact it wasn't the same.

Once in a blue moon, he would run into Valkyrie. Most of the times, Mary would be with him, and they would just say hi before going their separate ways. On the occasions that they were alone, they would stop by Cross Café and grab some coffee. They would catch up with their lives. Valkyrie moved in with Skulduggery, apparently, and she had a few suggestions for the upcoming baby's name. (Some of them were a bit on the stranger side, but John did like Ameli for a girl. He wasn't too sure about a boy named Avis, though.) But those days were rare, and every time he saw her he was just reminded of the fact that he was getting older while she was still Valkyrie.

Finally, he just stopped talking to her altogether. He had convinced himself that it was better if they didn't keep in touch. Valkyrie understood.

Mary always wondered why he chose the name Ameli for their eldest daughter, though.

* * *

Skulduggery was content. He was on (fairly) good terms with the Sanctuary, his Bentley was left unscathed, and he finally got the girl.

Okay, so they weren't dating or anything, but they were living together. Every morning, she would sleepily mutter, "Morning." He would hand her a cup of coffee, and pretend that he was reading his paper while discreetly watching her. They would spend the day at the Sanctuary, and grab dinner afterwards. Sometimes, on weekends, he would teach her how to fly. And after solving cases, they would rent a movie and watch it in the couch.

Valkyrie had convinced him to keep his facade looking like his original face, and he was glad that he listened to her. He had missed his blue eyes, and his chin. He was definitely appreciating the hair. Valkyrie rolled his eyes whenever he admired himself like that, but he noticed that she was finding more reasons for him to use his facade.

And she had finally told her parents about magic, which meant he met them too. Of course, she left out a bunch of details and skimmed over how much time she spent on cases, but for the most part her mum and dad were all right with her career choice. And the best part was that afterwards, her dad gave Skulduggery his permission to marry his daughter. (Skulduggery made sure that Valkyrie was waiting in the Bentley during that conversation.)

Oh, and Sherlock mentioned some leads on the elusive 'Doctor'.

So yeah, Skulduggery was good with life right now.

* * *

Sherlock was always fine.

So maybe the flat felt a bit empty without John. That didn't prove anything.

Anyways, he had found something new to occupy himself with, and he was almost one hundred percent sure that Skulduggery would agree. That girl Valkyrie would come along, too. Sherlock didn't mind too much.

He was too busy to worry about emotions, anyways.

* * *

And that is the end of When Egos Collide! I don't know if I like it that much, but it's over and done with! I'm never going back, the past is in the past and all that stuff!

Thank you for reading, and give me some writing prompts in your reviews! I will take requests for fandoms I know as well.

UPDATE: There is now a sequel called Too Much Ego, for all of you who have requested it. You can check it out on my profile page, or go to the Skulduggery Pleasant/Sherlock crossover archive.

-ravenwings52


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